Job hopes flame out

A bartender looks for a new place to serve drinks because she wants to get as far away as possible from someone who was once near and dear. “Due to issues with my x-husband, it is time for me too move on,” she wrote.

A bodyguard wants work that “keeps me busy but at the same time, let’s me keep having a good time like I always have.”

A sales manager boasts that he “consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.”

Welcome to the wacky side of employment recruiting, where it’s common for companies and employment agencies to encounter what former job recruiter Jon Reed calls “Resumes from Hell.”

Besides being the name of a book Reed co-wrote chronicling flubs spotted while he was hiring information technology workers, it’s the type of resumes Inland area recruiters and career counselors run across — typos, weird comments and all.

“I’ve seen a resume where they said they left their last job because they got caught stealing,” said Randy Williams, director of the UC Riverside Career Center. “That is a good way to never get another job. They feel they have to be honest (after they) have been dishonest. In one sense, it’s trying to do the right thing the second time around.”

A bad resume can sink a person’s job prospects faster than the Titanic, and the faux pas appear like icebergs out of the darkness.

People’s resumes should be short, clearly describing the job they want followed by qualifications and education that emphasize pertinent experience and studies.

But some people use resumes to brag about themselves, rag on bosses and even point out failures such as projects that flopped, says Reed, who used his collection of bad resumes from six years of recruiting for “Resumes From Hell.” Some of the most laugh-out-loud blunders he and co-author Rachel Meyers used in “Resumes from Hell” go from bad to worse:
David Badders / Special to the Press-Enterprise

Irrelevant hobbies: “When I’m not programming, I perform magic. I juggle and twist balloon animals.”

Evil intentions: “My objective is simple. I want your job. I don’t mean the job I am applying for, but your job.”

Too much information: “This is so cool; learning about the Internet is third on my wish list — right below the July rent and being able to afford a decent haircut.”

Personal information: “Happily married to a Norwegian beauty with two scrumptious children (Jeremy and Tina) ages 5 and 4 respectively.”

Odd personal information: “Identification marks: 1. A mole below the right shoulder near the neck. 2. A light mole on the chin at the left side.”

Disgruntled creators: “I was a nameless plebe toiling mindlessly on projects that made no sense.”

Though some employers do not mind if a person lists their hobbies, Reed said he doesn’t believe pastimes belong in a resume because some corporations could deem some risky or, uh hum, odd.

“We should roll out our idiosyncrasies gradually,” says Reed, in a telephone interview from his Massachusetts office.

Ditto for bringing up dirty laundry from past jobs.

“Things were great on the programming side, but on the company politics side, things were going to hell fast,” wrote one job applicant in “Resumes from Hell.” “The president of TrueVisionWare, Burt Nehlseen, is one of those psychotic high school bullies that enjoys torturing small animals.”

Slamming a former or current boss scares off potential employers, Reed says. “They come off insubordinate with the weird stuff,” he said. “(A recruiter will) wonder, ‘Is this person going to listen to managers?’ ”

Most resume errors that branch manager Nancy Gilmore of the Manpower Inc., employment agency in Riverside/San Bernardino sees seem tame, being along the lines of including a Social Security number and photo (both no-nos). But she gets a few dillies, too, including one from a man who seemed bent on not finding work.

“It was hilarious. (He said,) ‘Just give me a job. But listen. Don’t expect me to be there on time and don’t hassle me.’ He was an angry young man.”

Sometimes the most hellish aspect of a resume is its length, which in the most egregious cases stretch from three to even 10 pages.

“People mistake a resume for a life story,” said Tom Thetford, who owns Power Resumes and Career Counseling in Riverside. “They want to tell about their hobbies and pets and plants and travel. Those are cute, but give me a couple of qualifications to make me go, ‘This person does exactly what I need. I will call them.’ ”

Avoid rambling on a resume; answer questions in the interview rather than droning on paper about things that could bore or turn off an employer, says Reed.

“Most employers are going to spend 15 seconds looking at resume before they are going to go onto the next resume,” says Williams from UCR’s Career Center. “By adding all that stuff, you may be burying the important information. ”

A resume should be a positive rather than negative calling card, according to Williams.

“There was this TV show called ‘Dragnet’ where they said, ‘Just give me the facts,’ ” says Williams, recalling the 1960s police show starring Jack Webb. “A resume should just give the facts. The resume’s only purpose is to get you an interview. The resume does not get you the job, but it can keep you from getting the job.”

Receiving a resume littered with spelling errors bothers Don Limacher, who owns Maxmarket Solutions in Corona. “It says a lot about a person,” he said, adding that the mistakes might indicate problems down the road.

Resume Don’ts

When writing a resume, never:

Emphasize poor test scores, failed tests or incomplete projects.

Put down former employers, calling them “scum.”

List dead people (or your mother) as references.

Include the address of every place you’ve lived since birth.

Refer to yourself as a “nameless plebe.”

Condemn managers who failed to see the “beauty” of your creative designs.

Describe yourself as “towering” over your non-Mensa co-workers.

List your hobbies, especially if they include “an active social life.”

Profess your love of Jesus Christ, Buddha or other religious figures.

Describe a past job experience as “orgasmic.”

Source: www.resumesfromhell.com

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