Ten things you don’t want to hear in a job interview:

You’ve researched the company, practiced answers to difficult questions, and arrived early for your job interview. But is there something else you could have done better to prepare?   

Maybe our light-hearted list will jog your memory. We borrowed David Letterman’s top-ten approach and created a fanciful collection of sarcastic remarks. In truth, it is very unlikely interviewers would ever actually make any of these comments to you. They would probably just keep their thoughts to themselves, should you be so unfortunate to commit any of these faux pas.

10.    “You owe us 23 cents.”

Yes, it’s possible. In fact, that is exactly the amount one jobseeker owes California Job Journal after failing to put adequate postage on his application packet. I doubt we ever called him in for an interview.   

It may seem like a little thing, an insignificant oversight. But it’s an accumulation of little things that often tip the hiring decision toward one candidate over another. Don’t let a prospective employer’s first impression of you be colored by your own carelessness. 

9.    “I didn’t know there was a city named San Francisso.”

Thanks to spell check, no resume or cover letter should ever contain a misspelled word. Yet they do. Sometimes it’s the right spelling but the wrong word. Or a name is in error. Sometimes it’s not spelling but faint or blurred type that’s the culprit. If you can’t have a friend proofread your work, then try this – read your letter or resume backwards. And while it’s good to use paper with a watermark, be sure to avoid coffee rings.

8.    “I love how your nose ring matches your tongue stud.”

This comment falls under “get your appearance and hygiene act together.” You don’t want the interviewer distracted by an extreme hairdo, bizarre clothing, odd footwear – or bad breath. Most applicants know this. Most. It’s also wise to check out a company’s dress code beforehand – just make sure you aren’t wearing something suitable for dress-down day, even if you have a Friday interview.

7.    “You must have audited your classes, because no one at your university seems to remember you.”

Well, this is getting to be an old story, isn’t it? More than one public figure has lost his job because of a fib or two on his resume. Companies are doing a more thorough job of checking backgrounds – so don’t waste your time, or theirs.

6.    “I appreciate your interest in childcare, but we’re not that kind of nursery.”

Nothing frustrates an employer more than an otherwise eager job applicant who knows nothing about the organization he claims to want to work for. If an employer has to explain what the company does, you may as well pack up your stuff because you’re probably not going to get hired. In fact, if you haven’t done your research on the company, don’t bother to even go to the interview in the first place. With all the resources available online, there is no excuse not to be well versed on a potential employer.

5.    “The next word is flabbergasted.”

Didn’t come prepared for a spelling test? How could you have known? You might have asked about the employer’s application process when you received the call for an interview. Then brushed up on whatever subjects the company chooses to test its applicants on. Look at it as an opportunity to excel, since you will be more prepared (and less surprised) than competing candidates.

4.    “Would you mind deciphering your job application for me?”

Applicants are keen on keeping their cover letters and resumes crisp, but fall down when it comes to filling out a neat and legible job application. In this electronic age, it may seem like the application form is passe. Yet for legal reasons, most employers require applicants to complete and sign the organization’s job application. Your signature, for one thing, usually attests to the truth of the information you provide. Have a good quality pen along with lists of references in case it’s required. It also pays not to rush through this tedious process. Practicing your penmanship – if that’s a problem area for you – might be advisable.

3.    “I hear you’re only considering this as a stopgap job.”

From the moment you walk up to the building, assume that what you say and do may be monitored by your would-be employer. An offhanded remark to the receptionist or another employee can hurt your chances before you even reach the interviewer’s door.

2.    “Tell me about the missing years.”

In a perfect world, all resumes would be chronological – with all jobs listed in reverse order (the most current first). When an employer screens a functional resume – one which emphasizes skills rather than positions – they may become suspicious if every month is not accounted for. This should not be a problem if you have a good explanation for why you were out of the workforce. Perhaps you were raising kids, caring for elderly parents, or pursuing a special project.

1.    “While I’d love to hear more about what a doofus your old boss was, I’m afraid our time is up.”

When an employer asks about your ex-boss, she’s not really interested in learning about that boss. She’s interested in how professionally you will talk about a past employer. Often it provides a clue as to how you will behave on the new job, if you get hired. Do you have an axe to grind against authority? You will not get hired if the interviewer gets concerned that you may have a bad attitude. Confide in a friend how you were wronged in a prior job, but not a prospective employer.

Well, that’s ten. But with the many runner-ups suggested by our staff, we could have easily published a top twenty. Here are some of the other things we hope you never hear:

    * “We’re sorry you aren’t a match for the opening, but we’re keeping your resume to share in the  break room.”
    * “Can you make coffee?”
    * “We talked to your ex-wife and . . .”
    * “Get off my desk.”
    * “How do you feel about a polygraph?”
    * “Your appointment was last Tuesday.”
    * “Dress-down day isn’t until Friday.”
    * “I’ve gone without socks at the beach, but it never occurred to me that it could work as office    attire.”
    * “Are those prescription sunglasses?”
    * “My, what a charming little dog you have there.”

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